Once upon a time, I (naively) believed nothing could kill my libido. But now that I’m 30 and married, my sex drive needs a jump-start before I can get in the mood. The problem? I don’t have time to perform a lengthy pre-sex ritual. What I really need is what sexologist and ethical porn director Angie Rowntree calls an “arousal anchor” – something that can elicit desire at the drop of a dime.
“For example, if you always light a specific scented candle in the bedroom and inhale its fragrance while on the brink of climax, the candle’s scent may later help evoke a sense of arousal, anticipation, or erotic focus, even in non-sexual moments or when desire feels low,” says Rowntree.
Over time, repeatedly and intentionally pairing a sensory cue, like smell, with states of sexual arousal or desire builds a positive association with pleasurable, erotic experiences, she explains, making that state of mind easier to access.
The Science Behind Arousal Anchors
This process is so effective because arousal is a team effort between your body and brain; it’s physical and neurological. “The limbic system, which handles emotion and memory, and the hypothalamus, which regulates hormones like oxytocin and dopamine, are both highly responsive to sensory input,” says Sarah Oreck. “When a particular cue is consistently present during moments of desire or pleasure, the brain starts connecting them.”
Once an association is wired into the brain, “that cue becomes a shortcut,” she says. “[It] can bring arousal online faster and more reliably than waiting for it to show up on its own.” Think of this as akin to lighting a candle: The moment your brain catalogues a specific sensory input – such as smelling a certain scent or putting on lingerie – it lights up the limbic system and hypothalamus, sparking the emotional and physical responses associated with sexual arousal.
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How Arousal Anchors Help You Have Better Sex
1. They make it easier to tap into desire
“One of the most common things I hear from patients is some version of ‘I want to want it, but I just can’t seem to get there,’” says Dr Oreck. This is especially true for women because “responsive desire” is usually their dominant desire style. “This type of desire requires a warm-up period where holding hands, kissing, and taking time to emotionally connect signals to your body that it’s safe to shift gears,” she says.
The beauty of arousal anchors is that they “give the brain a shortcut to that state, activating the physiological and emotional pathways associated with pleasure,” Dr Oreck continues. “For people with responsive desire, this is genuinely useful, because it creates the conditions desire needs to emerge rather than waiting for desire to show up on its own and lead the way.”
Can An Anchor Weigh You Down?
Arousal anchors often support a healthier, more satisfying sex life, but they may cause distress for someone with sexual trauma, Dr Oreck says. Similarly, someone diagnosed with hypoactive sexual desire disorder may struggle with creating an arousal anchor, due to their condition. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible, just that it may require more time, effort and experimentation to find what works, says Suzannah Weiss. In those cases, working with a professional who specialises in sexual trauma or sexual dysfunction can help you navigate a path forward.
2. They make the body more responsive to touch
We tend to live our lives in “go mode” – always on the move from one must-do to another (commuting, work, dinner plans, the list goes on). Arousal anchors, however, help your mind and body transition out of “go mode” so you can “start to relax and become more receptive to touch,” says Weiss. This lets you ease into intimacy, which usually leads to more satisfying and connective sex, she adds.
Beyond facilitating everyday life transitions, this approach can also be “particularly helpful during hormonal transitions, like postpartum changes, perimenopause, or fluctuations across the cycle,” says Dr Oreck. Libido can feel less accessible during these times, but a sexual sensory cue mitigates this by lowering the amount of energy required to kickstart desire and arousal, says Dr Oreck. Instead of “relying purely on hormone-driven spontaneous desire,” arousal anchors “activate the nervous system’s arousal pathways even when the hormonal environment isn’t doing much of the heavy lifting,” she explains.
Similarly, arousal anchors can potentially help trigger the physiological responses needed for enjoyable, satisfying sex, Rowntree says, like strong genital blood flow and natural lubrication, which can be especially helpful during hormonal fluctuations.
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3. They create long-term sexual satisfaction
Arousal typically unfolds dyadically, meaning each partner’s arousal influences the other, primarily because partners’ emotional states are linked. So, while having a personal arousal anchor can certainly get you in the mood, sharing one with your partner can help you feel more in sync, physically and emotionally, deepening the sexual experience.
Additionally, having a shared arousal anchor brings intentionality to intimacy, says Dr Oreck, because you’re both actively choosing to tend to desire, rather than waiting for it to show up on its own. Weiss agrees: It immediately increases the sense of romance “and conveys thoughtfulness toward your partner,” she adds. Plus, research shows that being intentional about meeting your partner’s sexual needs is one of the strongest predictors of long-term sexual and relationship satisfaction.
How To Build Your Own Arousal Anchors
1. Pick the right cue
“What activates desire is shaped by your personal history, your sensory preferences and the associations you’ve built over time,” says Dr Oreck. “The most effective anchors are specific enough to be distinctive, but not so common that you’re encountering them constantly outside of intimate contexts.”
To start, think about what normally turns you on. Is it touch or sound? Does smell play a role? Are you super visual? Evaluating what senses are normally heightened for you during arousal will be helpful here, so give yourself permission to experiment with different types of sensory cues to find what works best:
Smell
The most common, and often the most effective, arousal anchors are rooted in a familiar scent, says Dr Oreck. “Smell is particularly powerful because the olfactory bulb connects deeply to the limbic system, bypassing some of the processing other senses go through.” Basically, wiring your brain to respond to this type of arousal anchor requires less effort.
Lighting a certain candle, spritzing on a specific perfume, or applying a special body oil or lotion usually works well. If you’re unsure of which scent to pick, try one that reminds you of a romantic encounter. For example, a floral perfume that smells like the bouquet your partner bought to celebrate your anniversary will spark memories of that night and subsequently steer you toward desire and arousal.
Sound
“One fun, easy way to create an arousal anchor is to make a sex playlist,” Weiss says. To do this, she suggests picking anywhere from five to ten songs that get you and/or your partner in the mood (if you’re sharing an arousal anchor). While this playlist will, of course, be subjective, it’s important to avoid making it feel cheesy, says Weiss, who suggests “slow-paced tunes with minimal lyrics.” Think: Instrumentals, Hz frequency sound baths, etc.
Listening to ASMR porn works since it uses triggers such as whispering, breath sounds, and close-mic audio to mimic the sensation of someone speaking directly into your ear, she explains. In the same vein, you can try pulling a word or phrase from your intimate life with your partner. “It doesn’t necessarily have to be ‘dirty talk’ either,” Rowntree says. For example, if your partner says “I’ve got you” before you climax during sex, and they whisper this same phrase to you while you’re cuddling on the couch, desire will surface because you automatically associate the phrase with sex.
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Taste
“Taste can become a surprisingly powerful arousal anchor,” Rowntree says, adding that intentionally engaging your tastebuds before or during sex is the easiest way to build an anchor through this sense. Some ways to do this include drinking a special cocktail while you’re getting ready for date night, sharing a particular dessert with your partner to kick off the sensual part of the evening, or using flavoured lube in bed.
Whatever it is, using a taste that’s mutually exclusive to sex is key, so be specific. If you like chocolate, pick out a specific chocolate ice cream or dessert you don’t normally have, rather than the flavour in general.
Touch
Donning a particular pair of lingerie can be an effective and easy way to tap into touch, says Rowntree. Not only do women typically associate lingerie with sex, but it also doubles as what Rowntree calls a “costume change,” helping the mind transition into a state where it’s open to intimacy.
Similarly, indulging in a bath replete with essential oils, applying a special body lotion, or giving your partner a relaxing massage (and vice versa) can also work well, says Weiss, because this taps into sensuality by allowing full-body exploration. Beyond that, Rowntree suggests experimenting with textures, like getting intimate on a faux fur throw or silk sheets.
Sight
Although humans are visual creatures, building an arousal anchor through your sense of sight can be challenging, says Rowntree. Obviously, porn is the OG visual arousal anchor, and there’s nothing wrong with using that to ignite arousal if it works for you.
But you can also try wearing something during sex that the world doesn’t normally see, she explains, like a certain piece of jewellery or lingerie. Basically, it should be something that’s for your and your partner’s eyes only so it feels extra special and secretive, which can be a huge turn-on. Likewise, using mood lighting or certain gestures (think: biting your lip) during sex can also work here, says Rowntree.
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2. Discuss your anchor
Once you’ve picked a cue, it’s important to discuss your arousal anchor openly with your sexual partner(s). Not only does this let them know what you need to get in the mood, but it’s also a great way to talk about consent without going full after-school special. Even if you’ve been with your partner a long time, introducing something new into the bedroom – even if it’s as simple as lighting a scented candle – requires a conversation.
The good news? Opening this line of communication will make the experience more enjoyable for both of you. Plus, this gives your partner the opportunity to discuss their sexual wants and needs as well, which Weiss says can help show you if/where there’s overlap with the stimuli that arouses you individually.
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Use simple, layman’s terms to make the convo feel approachable, not clinical. Try: “I’ve been learning about how to use the five senses to get your mind and body ready for sex. Lighting a scented candle usually gets me in the mood, so I’d like to try doing that every time we have sex. And I’m curious about what might turn you on – is there anything you want to try?” Specificity is paramount here; it should be clear what your arousal anchor is and what you’re looking for from your partner.
If you’re not sure what your arousal anchor is, then you can use this conversation to bring up the idea of trying a few out to see what might spark shared desire. In that case, emphasise that experimenting with different anchors “can be a fun and bonding experience,” says Weiss.
Once you’ve settled on an arousal anchor, continue to check in with your partner regularly, says Rowntree. This means discussing how you each felt about using it afterwards, including what you liked or didn’t like about the experience and whether you want to try it again, and if so, how you plan to make the anchor a regular part of your intimacy routine.
3. Consistently pair your anchor with sex
Practice makes perfect pleasure. While you might not notice any difference the first few times you test out your arousal anchor, keep at it. The key is consistency: Introduce your sensory cue at the beginning of every single sexual experience, says Dr Oreck, because “the brain needs multiple repetitions before an association really sets in.” Naturally, how long this takes tends to vary. “Some people respond quickly, while others need more time,” says Rowntree, emphasising that the goal is simply to repeat the pairing several times at regular intervals.
This doesn’t mean you should force yourself to get in those reps. “Anchors form most effectively when you’re already relaxed,” says Dr Oreck. If you’re not feeling it, the method might not work, or could even create a negative association with sex. For this reason, she stresses pairing your cue with a brief transition that relaxes your mind and body before diving into anything sexual. This can be anything that “helps you shift out of ‘doing-mode’,” says Dr Oreck, such as taking a warm shower, then massaging lotion into your skin or performing a few minutes of slow, mindful breathing before smelling a scented candle.
Whatever it is, Dr Oreck says finding something that helps you break away from the daily grind and leaning on it as you build your arousal anchor will facilitate the pairing process.
Arousal anchors are meant to function as shortcuts to getting in the mood, but don’t expect them to form overnight. Trust the process – the goal of arousal anchors isn’t to experience more pleasure instantly or orgasm more frequently, Rowntree says. The goal is simply to live a more romantic life overall by building mental and emotional associations that let us connect more deeply with ourselves and our partners. The best part? Discovering new ways to spark desire will naturally enhance your sex life anyway.
Meet the Experts: Angie Rowntree, ABS, is a sexologist and the founder and director of Sssh.com, an ethical porn site made by women for women. Dr Sarah Oreck, MD, is a reproductive psychiatrist who helps clients overcome sexual trauma. Suzannah Weiss, AMFT, CSE, is a sexologist, marriage and family therapist and author of Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject. She is currently the resident sexologist for sex toy company Erojoy.
This article by Arianna Reardon was originally published in Women’s Health US.
